For China’s elderly singles looking for love, it’s complicated

Some of Beijing’s older lonely hearts share their stories on a chilly October morning in Changpuhe Park

Published: 2:08pm, 26 Oct, 2019

A stroll in Changpuhe Park is an opportunity for Beijing’s older singles to get to know each other. Photo: Phoebe Zhang

For Beijing’s elderly, Changpuhe Park, next to Tiananmen Square, has long been a popular spot for lonely hearts to meet and find a match for their twilight years, but the search for a companion is complicated, particularly for those without a sizeable pension and other assets.

Zhang Daisheng, a 65-year-old widower, wants to find a shrewd woman and, on one of his few trips to the park, met someone just like that. After chatting with him a few times she told him, “If you think we are a good match, then let's find somewhere private to talk, let's not talk here.”

Zhang said he realised the woman wanted to catch her fish, but was afraid of being bested by someone else. “That's quite smart,” he said. “She has schemes.” But despite its promising start, the relationship came to nothing. Zhang wriggled off the hook because her pension was not enough.

The tranquil setting of Changpuhe Park provides an opportunity for Beijing's elderly to meet and mingle, in hopes of finding their perfect match. Photo: Phoebe Zhang

Zhang, a retired businessman, earns 5,000 yuan (US$700) each month while she received a meagre 2,000 yuan. “I want to find someone who earns the same as me, so we may travel, or live in Hainan in the winter. I don't want to lower my living standards,” he said. “Besides, she only earns 2,000, she could save all her money and just spend my 5,000.”

On a chilly October morning, similar conversations can be heard all over the park. A 77-year-old man briefly exchanges information with a woman, then says, “Let's go talk somewhere else, since you are here, it must be fate.”

On Tuesdays and Saturdays, elderly men and women from all over Beijing gather by the riverside to chat, dance, enjoy the view from the pavilion, and try to find a partner for the years they have left. It is a rare opportunity for senior singles to mingle, in a country where most dating platforms are aimed at the young and many older Chinese feel uncomfortable about actively seeking a partner.

This is despite the numbers of older Chinese who have lost their spouses, which in 2010 was 47 million people, according to a study published by People’s Daily, or 27 per cent of China’s elderly population. Of these older singles, 80 per cent wanted to remarry, but less than 10 per cent did so.

Pan Suiming, a renowned sexologist who has written that sex among the elderly is not discussed enough, found only four academic articles on the subject when he was preparing for a sexology discussion held by Renmin University in 2014.

Loneliness

Zhang first started coming to Changpuhe Park in September, after moving from Dalian in northeast China to be with his daughter when his wife died. They had been high school sweethearts, graduating together in 1973, and he still misses the woman he said had “the looks as well as the smarts”.

“I can never forget her, look at her,” he said, taking out his phone and scrolling through the pictures. “I still feel upset when I look at her photo. I've not thrown out a single one of her things.”

But, since her passing, he often felt lonely, he said. Before, when she was sick, he would come home and care for her. Now, there was nothing to come home to. When he found out about Changpuhe Park from an online video, he decided to give it a try.

Zhang Daisheng still feels upset when he looks at his late wife’s picture on his phone. Loneliness has brought him to Changpuhe Park in search of a companion. Photo: Phoebe Zhang

Others think his standards are too high, he said. After his wife died, a classmate introduced him to a woman in Dalian, who had lost her husband. She was a retired government office director, with an 8,000 yuan monthly pension and at least three houses. “You can move straight in,” she told Zhang. “We have everything.”

But, Zhang said, he did not like her appearance and turned her down. He continues to try his luck at the park, but so far has not found someone he likes who earns as much as he does.

Money matters

Emotional bonds and personality are not at the top of the list for many of those who gather at the park. Instead, the financial status of a potential partner is most important, followed by whether they have children and other family. Those with married offspring are popular because they are seen as less of a financial burden.

The conditions were “ridiculous” for Pang, a 50-year-old woman from Hunan province, central China, who has been coming to the park for 10 years without finding anyone suitable. The people here, especially the men, were too materialistic, she said.

“Once they hear you are from out of town, and you don't have a stable income, they won't even look at you twice,” she said.

Pang divorced her husband in 2003 because, she said, she could not stand the restrictions he placed on her, including refusing to allow her to dye her hair red. But, while free of one relationship, she has found new restrictions in her attempt to start a new one.

Pang has been coming to Changpuhe Park for 10 years. Photo: Phoebe Zhang

Pang spoke at length about how unjust Chinese society was, with everyone so materialistic, and a few people in the park stopped to listen. Before long, they were laughing at her.

“In China nowadays everybody wants to find someone in their own class,” one man said to her. If you are a factory worker, find a factory worker, if you are an official, find an official, that includes both. You should find someone with similar conditions to you.”

“I'm willing to find a farmer,” Pang muttered.

“Then you're one in a thousand, you're a special case, there's no one like you,” a woman said. “If you have a few thousand a month, you find someone who only earns 200, then being with him is like raising a son.”

Once they hear you are from out of town, and you don't have a stable income, they won't even look at you twicePang, Changpuhe Park

“The men rarely want an emotional bond,” Pang said. “Look at these men in their 60s or 80s, it's obvious they are here to find a nurse or a caretaker.”

When they approached her, men usually asked whether she had a pension or a house, and then would ask about her health, Pang said, while a woman, surnamed Zheng, agreed.

Just then, a younger-looking woman wearing a bright red coat walked to the centre of the park where she was immediately surrounded by men. “Look at them, flocking like flies!” Zheng said.

According to several people in the park interviewed by the South China Morning Post, the men were always looking for someone younger – in some cases, much younger.

Hopeful singles exchange information in the park. Photo: Phoebe Zhang

The same dynamic can be observed on a senior dating show Choice which has been running on Beijing Television since 2009, providing a rare public matchmaking platform for the elderly.

“The more popular men are economically well-to-do, they have houses, large pension, social status, and are talented – such as officials, teachers, doctors,” Zu Simiao, a producer for the programme, said. “For women, it's their appearance … if you are 60 but look like 40, with smooth skin, good body and gentle personality.”

Zu said the elderly had different needs than the young, with many simply wanting to find a cure for their loneliness, but he added, there were also those looking for someone who could give them a better life – such as someone who owned property, or held Beijing hukou, the Chinese household registration document based on the holder’s birthplace which controls access to public services.

If they truly want to be with you they should try to get to know you, and shouldn’t ask you to go home right awayZheng, Changpuhe Park

Zu said the elderly set harsher standards for potential partners than the young, because there were more things to consider. For example, people with houses tended to look for partners with houses, to avoid potential inheritance fights among the children in the future.

“They prefer that, after they pass away, their houses go to their own children, so there's no fighting over it,” he said, adding that most of the elderly cared deeply about what their children thought and did not want to offend them, because they still depended on them for care.

Once, Zu said, an elderly man had signed up for the show, but before filming had started, his granddaughter found out about it and showed up at the TV station, insisting on bringing him home. He had no choice but to quit.

Finding the perfect match

Back in the park, Zheng said some were there not to find a partner, but to “have fun”. A few years ago, she said, a man had invited her to his home and, when they arrived, he suddenly took off his coat and was standing in his living room in just his underwear.

Zheng said she walked straight out of there. “If they truly want to be with you, they should try to get to know you, and shouldn’t ask you to go home right away,” she said. “At least I think so. We need to see whether our personalities can match.”

The women have a particularly keen sense for the details of a new relationship. Zheng recalled another man, who she had enjoyed coffee with and visited his home. Everything was fine, she said, until she heard him speaking about her on the phone to the caretaker. He was condescending, Zheng said, as if he thought of her as nothing.

She soon ruled him out.

After all these years of searching, Zheng said she did not have high hopes of finding someone suitable. “The highest level of being lonely is that you can enjoy it,” she said. “I think I'm there already.”

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https://www.scmp.com/news/china/society/article/3034681/chinas-elderly-singles-looking-love-its-complicated

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